Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2011

was the craziest most emotional year of my entire life.

okay that's a little dramatic but so much crazy stuff happened this year.

-my dad lost his job. and we've been having a reeeaaallly hard time. he has filled out hundreds!!! of  applications and getting excited about them and then never hearing back. he is qualified, too! it's just really really hard.

-i left homeschool and started my junior year at public high school. it's been crazy to say the least but i can honestly tell you that i like school. i have awesome teachers, awesome classmates and i have one friend (and a few acquaintances) and i am so grateful.

-my mom started a full-time job, she's a pre-k teacher to children with disabilities. she drops me off at school at 7:30am, goes to work and then we don't see her until 7pm. dad has become the homemaker as he stays home filling out job applications.

-i turned 16 which was supposed to be a big deal. dating. driver's license. but so far i haven't experienced either of those. 

-i started volunteering as a receptionist which isn't a big deal, me and jen just sit at a big ole desk and it's pretty quiet, but it's something.

-i donated blood two times which i was really scared to do but it was a good experience.

-i was depressed a lot this year. if you haven't dealt with depression, you might not understand, but you just feel sad. like there is no point in living. like nobody cares about you. like you want to die. like you suck at life. like you're not good at anything. like nobody would actually care if you were gone. i would cry and cry and cry and just lay in bed and cry. and cry because i was crying. and how ridiculous it all is. i would become even more sad when i would realize that i really have no legitimate reason to be sad and i'm just whiny and pathetic. i always feel like i'm not good enough. ever. never ever ever do i feel like i'm actually worth anything to anyone and that anyone actually cares about me. i feel like people just feel bad for me. 

this year i will stop overthinking everything. i do that too much. i analyze everything and think about things too much that i am so self obsessed and self centered and always afraid of what i'm going to say. but i am realizing that nobody actually cares. so i'm going to stop caring. i've become silent, judgemental and self centered.

i will be friendlier. i don't introduce myself to new people at school in class and so it's awkward. veerrrryyy awkward. i used to think that it was because nobody actually wanted to get to know me so why would i try to be friendly, but again. nobody actually cares. i should just try to be friendly. it's more awkward when i don't say anything at all and would be better if i would just be more friendly.

i will love myself. i will put all my self consciousness and doubt behind me. 

i will smile. i will be a good friend.

1 comment:

  1. This is great Kayla! Expect something in the mail pretty soon mmmk? I am working on it!

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